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I felt a little guilty after my last post..

The Lord has been so good to us. He's always teaching me to trust Him..in all things. I'm working on this..trying to listen and always learning..

I'm thinking of starting a new blog..or changing the name of this one. Starting fresh would be nice though.

Many things..

Since no one really reads my blog anymore..maybe I can just pour my heart out a bit?

It's been almost 5 years since I lost my mama. July 24th. It still hurts..I find I think of her just about every day..and when things happen in life when I really wish I she were here so I could pour my heart out to her. I miss her voice ...oh so much.

And..it's been 18 months since my daddy died. I miss him so much. It's still hard to believe he's gone, too..and I can't just pick up the phone and tell him about Isaiah..or about my garden..or about Ethan getting his learners permit. It just seems unreal.

And it's been almost 9 months since my 15 yr old nephew Jaycob died. I didn't know Jaycob well..but I hurt just the same. I hurt for my brother and sister in law..for the huge, gaping, painful hole in their life now..

and I look at my oldest son who was the same age as Jaycob, and every time he hits a milestone I think of him..and it hurts..and that old familiar guilt creeps up. The same guilt I had when Wyatt died..and I had a healthy baby boy in my arms.

Jesus..please heal us!

I feel like I've had to stuff this grief down inside and bury it deep. Just keep it from consuming..and be thankful for the blessings the Lord has given us now.

Our sweet baby Isaiah..who came along 9 months after dad died..and just before Jaycob died. He is such a joy to all of us..I'm so thankful for my kids, and for my sweet husband.

And then I found out recently our house has lead paint. My baby has an elevated lead level. Big deal, you say? We all grew up around lead paint and we turned out ok, right? WRONG. It's a very big deal. It's poison..and affects kidney, liver and brain development..among other things. Three of my other children will be tested here soon..and if they are elevated..then the rest of my children will be tested. I'm just sick over this..sick over this house that has been slowly poisoning my kids for 13 years. And how in the world did it go on for so long without detection?

Lord, help me be thankful!

My husband is tired..he's been working on and fixing this house since the day we moved in..and it's been one thing after another..literally!

I've started running. I'm doing a 5k with my kids in August. I never thought I could do this..but I am. And I've discovered I love running. I love pounding my feet to the pavement and pushing my body harder than I've ever pushed it. It's a release..and a challenge..and it feels good. I pray..and I pound my frustrations, pain, hurt into the pavement..and I pray for His help..His healing..His provision..and I thank Him for this body that hurts when I run, because I'm alive. And I thank Him.

Maple syrup

It started with maple syrup.

 

I had to run to the store for potatoes before I could cook supper. I took baby with me. Just a quick run to the store after hubby came home from work.

 

I picked up the potatoes, and some cheese..and walked around trying to think of anything else before I left.

 

I stopped by the discount carts to see if there was anything I needed. Another woman was looking it over, too. She was probably in her 60's or 70's.

 

I picked up a small glass bottle of syrup and held it up. She asked what it was, so I showed her. She said her hubby and her used to tap maple syrup in the woods on their property in Wisconsin. He would ride the four wheeler to the trees..and pour the syrup in a bin on the back of the 4 wheeler. She canned 60 pints of syrup that last time..and sometimes when people would help them out, she'd give them a jar of syrup.

 

He passed away a couple years ago. I felt tears stings my eyes. I told her I was sorry. I could tell she really misses him.

 

We kept talking. I told her how I buy the fake syrup in large bottles at Costco..since we have eight children.

 

She had nine! One died at 2. They were all born in a span of 13 years.

 

She told me about the coffecake she used to bake that her kids loved for breakfast.

 

About all the work they had to do on their house..part of their home was 150 years old!

 

When her husband made their kids work on the walls of the house after they came home from school, before they could have their supper.

 

I just listened..and asked questions.

She asked me my name, and if I lived in the country. I told her where I lived...here in the middle of town. And how much I would love to be in the country.

 

They both came from large families. Her youngest grandchild is two..but there is another on the way.

 

Soon we were interrupted by someone else shopping..and I told her it was nice to visit with her. I never did get her name.  I knew I had to get going...we had been chatting for a good 20 minutes or so. It was one of those conversations that happen that you feel there is a deeper meaning..you're not quite sure what it is..but it happened and you can't quit thinking about it.

 

I'm really glad he forgot to stop for potatoes on the way home. And I will always remember the lady who use to tap maple syrup with her hubby on their farm in Wisconsin.