Many things..

Since no one really reads my blog anymore..maybe I can just pour my heart out a bit?

It's been almost 5 years since I lost my mama. July 24th. It still hurts..I find I think of her just about every day..and when things happen in life when I really wish I she were here so I could pour my heart out to her. I miss her voice ...oh so much.

And..it's been 18 months since my daddy died. I miss him so much. It's still hard to believe he's gone, too..and I can't just pick up the phone and tell him about Isaiah..or about my garden..or about Ethan getting his learners permit. It just seems unreal.

And it's been almost 9 months since my 15 yr old nephew Jaycob died. I didn't know Jaycob well..but I hurt just the same. I hurt for my brother and sister in law..for the huge, gaping, painful hole in their life now..

and I look at my oldest son who was the same age as Jaycob, and every time he hits a milestone I think of him..and it hurts..and that old familiar guilt creeps up. The same guilt I had when Wyatt died..and I had a healthy baby boy in my arms.

Jesus..please heal us!

I feel like I've had to stuff this grief down inside and bury it deep. Just keep it from consuming..and be thankful for the blessings the Lord has given us now.

Our sweet baby Isaiah..who came along 9 months after dad died..and just before Jaycob died. He is such a joy to all of us..I'm so thankful for my kids, and for my sweet husband.

And then I found out recently our house has lead paint. My baby has an elevated lead level. Big deal, you say? We all grew up around lead paint and we turned out ok, right? WRONG. It's a very big deal. It's poison..and affects kidney, liver and brain development..among other things. Three of my other children will be tested here soon..and if they are elevated..then the rest of my children will be tested. I'm just sick over this..sick over this house that has been slowly poisoning my kids for 13 years. And how in the world did it go on for so long without detection?

Lord, help me be thankful!

My husband is tired..he's been working on and fixing this house since the day we moved in..and it's been one thing after another..literally!

I've started running. I'm doing a 5k with my kids in August. I never thought I could do this..but I am. And I've discovered I love running. I love pounding my feet to the pavement and pushing my body harder than I've ever pushed it. It's a release..and a challenge..and it feels good. I pray..and I pound my frustrations, pain, hurt into the pavement..and I pray for His help..His healing..His provision..and I thank Him for this body that hurts when I run, because I'm alive. And I thank Him.