Sometimes I wish I could just wear a t-shirt that says "My mama just died..please be patient with me".
..it would explain why my eyes are red. Why I look tired. Why my hand is shaking while I sign my name. But I don't say anything..I just let everyone think I'm this tired mommy of many little ones.
:(
About Me
- AndreaBeth
- Welcome! We are a homeschooling family of 12 living a smallish home, with a Lab named Samson, a Morkie named Cookie, and square foot gardens. Loving the Lord and learning as we go!
Us.
Monday, July 28, 2008
Friday, July 25, 2008
Another day..
I miss her.
I've missed her for months. But there was always that hope..that chance, that she could call me when she felt up to it. So when the home phone rang..I jumped. Once in a great while, it was her.
Now that she's finally gone..I'm allowed to just cry. Before I cried because she was leaving..and now I can cry because she's gone.
Yes..she is in a better place..and yes I'm crying for myself. I cry for my family who misses her too. It's not the same as it was two days ago. It's a fresh new pain... and my heart hurts.
I've missed her for months. But there was always that hope..that chance, that she could call me when she felt up to it. So when the home phone rang..I jumped. Once in a great while, it was her.
Now that she's finally gone..I'm allowed to just cry. Before I cried because she was leaving..and now I can cry because she's gone.
Yes..she is in a better place..and yes I'm crying for myself. I cry for my family who misses her too. It's not the same as it was two days ago. It's a fresh new pain... and my heart hurts.
Thursday, July 24, 2008
It's 5:19 a.m.
It's 5:19 a.m. I can hear a lone bird singing outside my back door. My sister called me at 340 a.m.
My Mama is with Jesus now.
She is finally at peace..no more pain..no more cancer. Her body is whole again.
It's still kinda hard to wrap my mind around. It's hard to believe that when the phone rings..it will never be her voice on the other end again. But at the same time I know I'll see her again someday. It's hard to figure out how to grieve. I think of 2 Samuel 13..when David's son finally died..and he stopped weeping and fasting..got up and said he will see him again with the Lord. But then my flesh misses her so much..the tears spill over. I think about times she was here..little things. I just want to remember every little thing I can about her. The memories are good..they hurt..but they are good. They make me cry and my head pound..but the tears are worth remembering every little thing.
I first got a call yesterday afternoon..it was a library field trip day..and we had walked to the Laura Ingalls Wilder museum down the street from my house. It was hot..I had Eliahna on my back, and holding Obie's hand when my sister called my cell. I had to call her back once I got outside..and she was crying. They had removed Mom's feeding tube. Her body had shut down completely. So here I was..sitting outside this 100+ year old church..the same church Laura and Almonzo attended..weeping and praying. Fortunately..everyone else was in the building. My brother called me a few minutes later to make sure I knew. He said he didn't believe she'd last another week. I am glad for that though..I'm glad it was only a few hours..and not days and days. I'm assuming it was peaceful.
So now I have to move on in this grief thing..I don't even know how to do that but the Lord will lead me thru it..
My Mama is with Jesus now.
She is finally at peace..no more pain..no more cancer. Her body is whole again.
It's still kinda hard to wrap my mind around. It's hard to believe that when the phone rings..it will never be her voice on the other end again. But at the same time I know I'll see her again someday. It's hard to figure out how to grieve. I think of 2 Samuel 13..when David's son finally died..and he stopped weeping and fasting..got up and said he will see him again with the Lord. But then my flesh misses her so much..the tears spill over. I think about times she was here..little things. I just want to remember every little thing I can about her. The memories are good..they hurt..but they are good. They make me cry and my head pound..but the tears are worth remembering every little thing.
I first got a call yesterday afternoon..it was a library field trip day..and we had walked to the Laura Ingalls Wilder museum down the street from my house. It was hot..I had Eliahna on my back, and holding Obie's hand when my sister called my cell. I had to call her back once I got outside..and she was crying. They had removed Mom's feeding tube. Her body had shut down completely. So here I was..sitting outside this 100+ year old church..the same church Laura and Almonzo attended..weeping and praying. Fortunately..everyone else was in the building. My brother called me a few minutes later to make sure I knew. He said he didn't believe she'd last another week. I am glad for that though..I'm glad it was only a few hours..and not days and days. I'm assuming it was peaceful.
So now I have to move on in this grief thing..I don't even know how to do that but the Lord will lead me thru it..
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