Going back..

Since yesterday it's been pressing on me to go back. This urgent feeling that I must do this..I have to go back...until this morning, while my dh was at sunday school with the children..I cried out to God to please send me back with Eliahna. Somehow..someway. I just knew I needed to get back there. She had to know I was coming. I prayed for my family here..that it would work out. ...if it is His will.
The Lord's hand is in all of this..he never ceases to amaze me. When I told my Ma (mother-in-law) that I had to go back. The Lord told her ..."Go". She said she would go with me. I wasn't expecting that..the Lord is good! So good. We're also bringing my niece. She needs to go to. We're going back as "ambassadors of the Lord".. and so my mom can see and meet little Eliahna..I can hold her hand and say good bye ..and see you soon! In Glory.
No..it won't be easy. It probably won't be that light-hearted either. It's hard to type what I feel. I am a little bit afraid to see my mom so fragile. Living so far away, I'm removed from her physical sufferings a bit. I have to almost pry the details of what is truly going on from my siblings..
I pray for the Lord's strength, and wisdom, and peace..and guidance. I know this isn't "just" about going back to see my mom..the Lord has much more in mind, I'm sure. We will be staying at my husband's grandparents (mil's parents)..which is still quite a distance from where my mom will be..but it will be good.
I pray for my dad. He's losing his wife of 40+ years...please pray he will turn to Jesus for comfort.

And here I....cry

It's 11 at night. I know my family is gathering around my mom tonight. She called me earlier this evening..to say our "good byes". What are these good-bye's I speak of? She's been fighting ovarian cancer since 2002.
"Take care of my babies.." is still ringing in my head. I'll forever hear that voice, her voice..the one I love so much my heart feels it could burst right now. She met every one of my sons..then I had a daughter, who happened to be due on her birthday, Dec.14th 07. She was born on the 11th. She's 4 months old today. My mom loves that age. When they start to smile and laugh..and roll over. "It's one of my favorite ages" she said once. She would've loved to have met Eliahna..or, Lily..and she calls her. But it's ok..she will meet her someday. Soon my mom won't be gone..only gone from here, on earth. Soon..she'll be THERE. She'll be THERE and not HERE. That's the way I look at it..that's the way it truly is. My mom belongs to Jesus.

It still hurts. It's still hard..and I'm grieving. I'm waiting..and I hate waiting. Waiting for that phone call that says it's over..she's gone. But I'll say she's not gone..she's THERE. We're here and in pain and grieving..but where's she's going there are no more tears or pain.

I hate grieving. I'm not sure how to embrace it..this gnawing, aching, empty, raw feeling deep inside..I almost feel like I will throw up but then the tears spill over and it's relieved for a few moments....this is not new to me..this grief. I've felt this before. The physical symptoms are the same..except I know the hope now.
I don't know why mom has to die of cancer..she is only 59..I do know we live in a fallen world. Death wasn't the Lord's plan. It came as a result of sin....it wasn't His original plan.
But I'm thankful for the last few years..there have been so many blessings....so many..

Dec. 06, Mom, me and Obie

Without Jesus I would just crumble...

The LORD Is My Light and My Salvation

27

The Lord is my light and my salvation; whom shall I fear? the Lord is the strength of my life; of whom shall I be afraid? 2 When the wicked, even mine enemies and my foes, came [1] upon me to eat up my flesh, they stumbled and fell. 3 Though an host should encamp against me, my heart shall not fear: though war should rise against me, in this will I be confident. 4 One thing have I desired of the Lord, that will I seek after; that I may dwell in the house of the Lord all the days of my life, to behold the beauty [2] of the Lord, and to enquire in his temple. 5 For in the time of trouble he shall hide me in his pavilion: in the secret of his tabernacle shall he hide me; he shall set me up upon a rock. 6 And now shall mine head be lifted up above mine enemies round about me: therefore will I offer in his tabernacle sacrifices of joy; [3] I will sing, yea, I will sing praises unto the Lord.

7 Hear, O Lord, when I cry with my voice: have mercy also upon me, and answer me. 8 When thou saidst, Seek ye my face; my heart said unto thee, Thy face, Lord, will I seek. 9 Hide not thy face far from me; put not thy servant away in anger: thou hast been my help; leave me not, neither forsake me, O God of my salvation. 10 When my father and my mother forsake me, then the Lord will take me up. 11 Teach me thy way, O Lord, and lead me in a plain [4] path, because of mine enemies. 12 Deliver me not over unto the will of mine enemies: for false witnesses are risen up against me, and such as breathe out cruelty. 13 I had fainted, unless I had believed to see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. 14 Wait on the Lord: be of good courage, and he shall strengthen thine heart: wait, I say, on the Lord.